sad...

so i woke up yesterday morning with a really scratchy throat and what not...i had a double to work yesterday and it was a nightmare, After spilling a diet coke all over a baby and droping plates and messing up orders...i could BARELY talk to my customers. I got a lot of "what?" "huh?" "are you sick" "why are you talking funny". it was irritating. It's more irritating because it doesn't hurt...my throat does NOT hurt but it sounds like i just got my tonsils removed or something. so i had taylor be my voice today and call into work for me and try to get my shift covered. I now appriciate the ability to talk and communicate SO much better now. I'm miserable...:'(

What is love? baby don't hurt me...dont hurt me..no more!!

ugh. I have a dilema. i don't even know where to start. love is such a simple, yet such a complex thing. And i just don't know what to do anymore. I've had many many people ask...what are you going to do carmen? ( most of you know the story of my oh so fabulous love life. and if you do not..let me know and i will tell you;)) And the only answer i really have is...i've done everything i possibly can, far and beyond anything anyone should ever do for somebody to get their attention and i do not believe there is anything more i could do to make somebody realize that i'm what they need and want and BASICALLY already have. So i'm leaving it up to god. i've really REALLY done all i can. and somedays i really wonder if that truly was enough. but then i sit back, and look at everything i've done, everthing i've been through and i have to say...yes...that was enough. Almost too much really. i easily get frustrated though. when does it stop...or start? when do i get my happily ever after...or even a start to my happily ever after? I will be 24 next year and i hate that the society in this town make single people over the age of 21 feel old for not being married yet. i feel awful because i have such strong feelings for one person and because of that i don't see the need for dating because i'm like...what's the point? if that person i went on a date with started to have stronger feelings than me, i couldn't recpirocate the feelings back...i just feel like i'm constantly flying through a black hole...one i either want to be thrown out of...or finally come to just some sort of...i don't even know...stop to all this madness?
I live such a crazy life. I'm some sort of a massochist at times...i know i bring a lot of pain on to myself. what does one do?

Everything's Bigger in Texas!!

So i'm sorry to all that have tagged me on blogs and whatever else but HOlY BUSY i've been!! After 3 weeks of trying to convince every memeber of the management team that i need to work at texas roadhouse, i FINALLY got the job on Monday...well a week ago and i've loved it ever since. It's SoOO much fun and all the people are amazing. It kinda sucks cause i think there's like...3 of us that don't smoke or drink like it's going out of style, but there are some kick butt people i work with and they all are so eager to help me, to talk to me...it's just way way fun:D so i aven't really been on top of my blog because one...i haven't waitressed in like...8n months and it's SUCH a fast paced environment that i actually got done thursday night and went home in tears because i hurt so bad. waitresing is a hard industry! but i love it:D So just thought i would let you all know:D come visit me anytime!!!!!!!!!!

i don't hate a lot of things, but i know i do hate...

the stupid world of warcraft game. don't get me wrong. I've played it and i enjoy playing it from time to time, but it takes away peoples minds. it's horrible. these people that can just sit there for 8 hours straight and just play play play. i really don't get it. I mean i get it if you are sick or there realy is nothing to do...sure hop on and play for a bit. but to totally block out your friends an family and people that really need you and want you, it's rediculous.
the first chance i get i'm bombing blizzard entertainment for taking people away from things that matter most...

that's my vent for today ^_^

can i just explain how happy i am that twilight is coming out 3 WEEKS EARLIER THAN PLANNED!!!!!!!!!!! holy heck...
love it!

okay i'm better:)

so i've been feeling better about things. I think i just needed to vent because i keep a lot of things in. i know that's a big no no...but sometimes i can't help it! I feel more better about the "boys" issue. The past couple days i've really been trying to talk to adam and taylor...and we are just 3 people that have been deeply hurt trying to find our way back to happiness. And we have each other:) and it's amazing how everyone has thier own demons. Last night i went out with taylor adam and adrien ( he is the other roommate) and just listening to all of them talk and share thier heartaches was very heartrenching, but it amazed me at the same time how similar we all were. i think we were all brought together by some reason and i'm very glad it happened;) And they all were so sweet! they praised me for being part of thier home. they all said that it wasn't complete and something was missing when i wasn't at home with them!! i was so flattered. lol...they call me the "third" roommate...or adrien refers to me as Elaine ---from seinfeld and taylor is jerry....adrien is kramer, and we haven't quite decided what adam is...he's kinda like the second jerry. tee hee. But poor adam, i worry about him often. I see myself in him on how he deals with heartache. and it makes me really sad because i had to go through so much for so long to finally be...sane. And i don't want anyone else to have to go through that. After applebee's we went back home and tay and adrien went upstairs and adam sat downstairs to watch tv and i peaked around the corner and he was starting to talk to him mom and he yelled for me to come back and he asked for a hug and just started to cry. it broke my heart!! :'( i felt so hopeless!! So i held him for a bit and he felt better afterwards...but really... i know i couldn't say or do anything to make his pain go away. Nobody i ever talked to could...but i knew just being there for him, just being a shoulder to cry on and someone who understood was all i could do for him right now. we are a good support system for each other:) but i am very thankful to be part of this household of boys. i've learned so much and i love that they are kinda dependent on me!! there is nothing more i love than knowing i'm needed. I guess i'm kinda wierd that way lol. And as far as job situations are going, it just seems that that burden has been taken away. everything is beginging to go right for a change! i'm kinda excited! Its so easy to forget the things you should be thankful for when you are sad and hating the world. i'm working on it! ^_^

Ugh...Irritation...

akhfdasljghskhgalks!!!! That's my morning word for the day. i've been so irritated with life lately...i need a good pick up. OR SOMETHING!! i have my second interview at texas roadhouse today so i pray pray pray that i'm getting it! so that hopefully will take care of my money issue. Other than that...
I hang out with a lot of guys..mostly because all my girlfriends are all married and too good for me:P okay so not all...but most have husbands or families to take care of and cant live the "oh so glamorous" single life with me...RIGHT!!!!!!!!! But my boys really are all i have left...and lately...it's been rater irritating. I guess in short...Taylor and i have a "special" relationship...long story. But he recently just had a breakup. So whenever he talks about girls and what not he always talks about how anti-girl he is and how evil they are and how awful all his exes were ( and yes i am an ex...but i was NOT an awful one. i'm the only girlfriend he's ever had to dump:( )and this and that and how no girls like him, don't think he's hot...blah blah blah. now i have unconditionally loved this kid forever it seems like...and just when he talks like this..when i'm RIGHT there... i'm like..um..hello? I'm right here? I know when he talks about bad relationships i know better that i don't fall into that category...because i was perfect in every way;)...but seriously? I just feel kind of hurt...maybe i think to highly of myself..i don't really know...but it just seems like whatever i say it doesn't matter...that all my feelings and actions go out the door because i'm nobody special. like what does it matter coming from me if i say "hey you look really good today?" When he will only give a good response if some hot bimbo whatever would have said that to him it would have made his day. so i'm guessing i feel more of less insignificant. I know i dont exactly fall into the normal category of an ex because we stayed such good friends...but still...some things just bug. And where adam is going through relationship trash too...they get to do guy bonding time with how much they hate the women race...granted they know without a doubt that they both can talk to me about ANYTHING... i've gone through relationship hell too!! but i don't get the luxury of getting to talk about how much i've been hurt...or how much i still do hurt...and i think i really miss that. It's like they both can sit there and talk about women...but heaven forbid if i talk about a guy.

it just comes to the great conclusion
Life just is not fair...:'(
*thanks for listening:)